Double Tuesday

Didn’t get to post anything yesterday, it was a busy day. I spent the morning with Martina at the park, two hours straight of running and playing while I chatted up other dog owners and trainers. It was perfect because she had her physiotherapy afterwards and was so tired she slept the whole appointment. After that I went to pick up my cousin from her doctors appointment, bought an orchid as a thank-you gif for my ex-boss and went to pay some bills. Ran back to the apartment, had lunch and went to my therapy session. 


This was my frist psycho-therapy session with Monica (she’s also my back therapist) and it was great! Because I won’t be in Bogotá for much longer (2 months max) I really like having her as my therapist, she already knows me, know about my history, my family so talking to her is easy. I felt I discussed so many things yesterday, it was great. I talked about my plans for the future, my needs regarding my relationship to Pacho and mostly my relationship with my parents. I love them more than anything in the world, but one of the hardest things for me after my brother died was seeing their pain and constantly worrying about how they’re holding up. I feel like I have accepted his death more, I have accepted that there is nothing I can do to change things, that I can’t live thinking “what if” (there are still moments, and I believe there always will be, when these feelings come up). However, I can’t stop worrying about my parents, and I need to be able to let go, cut the umbilical cord that re-made itself 4 1/2 years ago when Cris died. I will always love them and they will always love me, nothing in the world can ever change that, but I need to be able to let go and live my life apart and independent. Only that way will I be able to take my place as their daughter, not their partner or parent worrying constantly about them. After talking all this in my session, at night my mom wrote to me and we started discussing my decision to go to Lima instead of Panama and what I wanted to do out of life. I don’t think she expected my answers, they were expecting me to go to Panama because that was what I had been saying for the past 6 months. But in these months I have really looked inside and know it is not the best decision. I know the worry like crazy not knowing what I want to do, but I don’t even know what I want to do so having their pressure doesn’t help solve anything. They are worried that I take the decision to move with Mr. P to Peru and I understand that, but it is also getting very frustrating having to hear everyones concerns or judgments about my decision to go with him “oh, you’re getting married” “omg, when’s the wedding?” and honestly im getting very tired of it. It isn’t only my mom and dad, its other family members and some friends and truth be told it it our relationship and it is our decision. It is not the big deal that some people try to make it. He knows I’m not ready to settle down, he knows that I need to be on my own in life because I have to deal with certain thing personally as an individual. We talk about this decision, we talk about the future, but its no ones business. So I just wish people would back of a little and stop judging things they don’t understand.


This post was very rambly, but I hope it makes some sense (not that theres anyone reading this yet). I’ll be posting some pics from Sunday’s rally up next. After that, its time to clean up my desk (its awful!) and take pictures from all the furniture I need to sell before I go. 
Oh, and I’m going to Cali to visit my grandparents on Wednesday! so yey for that! We’re gonna do a little graduation celebration for me because I won’t be attending my university graduation (its at the end of August, way too late). 

3 comments on “Double Tuesday
  1. Julie says:

    This is the first time I have read your posts and I can say it is really nice to actually read something that is different from other blogs! I kind of relate to some of what you have talked about as I also lost someone a few years ago which changed my life completely and the outlook I had on my future!

    The part when you talk about your parents and letting go I think is so honest! I know how it feels to be the one looking out for them and worrying!! when it actually should be the other way round!

    Your writing has a lot of truth in it! So please don't stop blogging its interesting to read!Keep it up!

  2. Marianto says:

    Thankyou so much for commenting…I really didn't think anyone read any of this but I try to make it a habit to write it down..let it out. It's great knowing someone out there feels the way I feel. Thankyou for reading!

  3. Parece que escribir en ingles es una necesidad tuya, de pronto sincerarte necesita un idioma distinto al lenguaje materno…para mi será una practica ineludible para acercarme al ingles desde el verdadero afecto.
    Me encanta que puedas ser tan clara con la palabra y poder describir emociones , temores y auto-compromiso que al dejarlos afuera realmente empiezan a circular no solo via internet sino en el sistema energetico en que nos movemos. Gracias por tu sinceridad y realmente como madre me encanta entender en que estas pues no has podido ser clara en nuestras charlas. Vuelvo a decirte que nuestra preocupación es que encuentres tu camino, que no te amarres por lo economico ni por temor a la soledad, pero la decision que tomes es aceptada y apoyada de corazón mi amor. Solo siento que es mi deber hacerte ver lo que creo que te ocultas…tal vez solo me lo ocultas y para ti esta claro, eso es algo que estoy recién viendo.
    Adelante Marian, busca tu camino desde lo mas profundo de tu ser, el gran paso es dejar atras las maletas que pesan, hay que emprender el viaje de reencuentro con uno mismo liviano, agil y siempre con la cabeza en alto.
    Solo te mando besos y abrazos para que sigas creciendo en medio de todo el amor que te tengo…

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