From an old journal found today, July 14th, 2022. These words were written sometime in the 2nd semester of 2018 and I don’t believe it’s a coincidence I find them today…a day after realizing how embedded my fear of ever feeling this way again and what that fear is capable of making me do.
Abused
Taken advantage of
A fool
Blind
Stupid
Too trusting
Too open
Too native
Every day I struggle to convince myself “I am enough, I am whole, I am good.”
Every day I try to let go, to be free from the pain, the anger, the doubt.
And I wonder if you understand
This is not an ego thing -I keep her in check-
This is a heart thing.
A life thing.
It’s losing a part of me I was proud of.
It’s closing myself to the future and accepting that because of this I won’t ever be the same.
No one will know the me you knew. No one will feel the trust you felt.
You took that from meand everyone I’ll meet.
It’s not a me vs. her. It’s a me vs. me and it’s the most exhausting battle to fight.