Dear Clare Bear,

I arrived in Bali last night under a full moon. I don’t think it was a coincidence that I would spend your second anniversary roaming the same streets we walked together. Today, as the Grab driver took a right turn, I remembered so vividly when I had you on the back of my scooter driving like Rossi while we were chased by an angry local taxi driver. It boosted my scooter driving confidence….I need a bit of that now after 2.5 years without riding.

You should know, the shortcut towards Pererenan is still shady and scary but they’ve changed the pavement…I’m still terrified about falling into the rice fields but trust the Grab drivers enough and smile thinking about you biking through it, wind in your hair and dress waving.

Two years. Two years since ‘ Today makes me really look back at what my life has been since you left us. Honestly, it hasn’t been a walk in the park. I traveled, I trusted, I felt betrayed, I was depressed, I lost another great friend…but I lived. I met amazing new friends, I connected deeply, I was reminded about the beauty of vulnerability that you and I shared and how special and lucky we are to feel beauty and love in such a deep way. I think about you constantly. Your life and death have left a deep mark in my heart. I know some wouldn’t understand how I can feel so much for someone I only shared a few months of my life were, but they were pure, raw, loving moments that I will forever cherish. Honestly, I cannot remember laughing as hard as we did together constantly…whether it was on the floor after an ecstatic dance session, in bed while trying to go to sleep mid program, or after surfacing from a dive (and flooding my mask because I laughed underwater). Those are the moments I cherish and miss. I know we could have had so many more together.

I also know it’s useless to think of the “what if’s” or “I wish that…” but those thoughts still come to me…because I miss you and I really wish I could have helped you overcome the pain you were feeling. But they also come with gratitude and joy for having such wonderful memories with you. So, as I finish my smoothie bowl in your honor (honestly, yours were always way better at making them) I smile thinking of all the fun we shared on this wonderful island, on the lessons we learned, and I feel ready to embrace my time here fully.

Love always,

Me.