“If You Were Here Today”

Yesterday at 5:30 p.m I finally turned in my final undergrad paper, ever! It felt great…like this weird weight came off my shoulders after turning it in (yea, last minute as usual). I still can’t believe tomorrow I finish my internship and that’s it, my 4 years in college will be over. It definitely hasn’t been what I expected; college years weren’t all that great for me. I never fell in love with my career, didn’t love the city I was in, but I learned a lot and made great friends which I know I will be keeping in touch throughout my life. If someone had told me at the age of 15 that I was gonna be living with my boyfriend, been with him since the age of 20, and probably moving to Lima, Peru with him…I would have never believed it! I expected my college years to be crazy, partying and drinking and being “crazy” but truth is…that’s just not me.

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After my brother died a lot of things changed for me, the way I see life, the way I treasure my life, my goals, everything. It was very hard for me when it happened, being in a different country, a year after graduating high school without my usual friends around. I had been in Argentina for 7 months when it happened and had a few close friends, one of whom I considered my best friend (one of those people you meet and simply *click* as if you’ve known each other in some past life or something). After my brother died, in November, all these “friends” disappeared. We ended up moving back to Panama in March and throughout those months I felt completely alone and abandoned, this “best friend” was nowhere to be seen claiming that “it was easier to simply be apart and back off because it would be so hard for him when I moved away”. I mean, seriously? Could you be a little more stupid or selfish? I understand people freak out when someone dies, they don’t know what to do or say…honestly all you have to do is be there! A call, hanging out, anything to try to get things back to “normal”! So yea, this little person seriously screwed me up inside…After that I put up VERY big walls around myself.


Mr. P is the only person who has really gotten through these walls since they went up…high school friends are family are already stuck inside. My friends here in Bogotá don’t know that whole big part of me that’s just hidden away – they do not know how I feel about my brother’s death, the fears I carry of being hurt in any possible way, the constant worries about my parents wellbeing, everything! In these past 4 years I have never let any of them see me cry when I’m sad or gave them a call when I was really down. I know this is wrong, I know they would probably be there for me…but it’s just not that easy for me. I don’t want to be seen as weak, ever. So, now that I’m beginning this new stage of my life, I really want to try and pull down those walls…little by little, start trusting people. I know it will be hard, but I just want to give it a try…see what happens.


So, this post began with one thing and turned into something completely different as I started writing…I guess I just needed to let It out (and listening to Paul McCartney’s “If You Were Here Today” helped too). 

One comment on ““If You Were Here Today”
  1. Lorena says:

    Voy leyendo tus posts poco a poco,y en muchos de ellos me siento bastante identificada.Creo que una de las peores cosas que le pueden pasar a alguien en un momento duro,durisimo de su vida,es que los "amigos" que se sentian como tales,volaran a la primera de cambio.Despues de ésto,una se da cuenta que ni tan "amigos".Y es verdad,sin quererlo se van creando costras en nuestro interior.Nos volvemos cuidadosos y hasta,a mi me ha pasado,nos volvemos antipaticos o como decimos en España "bordes".La realidad es que no somos asi,pero cuando una pena va detras de otra y nuestros consuelos se esfumaron,es una reacción,si me lo permites,hasta natural.Es más fácil salir de ese dolor con gente alrededor,cuando no se tienen (me refiero a amigos concretos),una no solo hace costra sino que aprende a ser fuerte y tirar pa'lante con lo que sea.
    Genial que emprendas tu viaje a África,que busques por ti misma,que sepas lo que va y lo que no,que te encuentres contigo misma…que vivas.
    Perdona por esta catedra que te he dado,yo he pasado por algo parecido,no tan doloso como perder a un hermano,pero me encontre con una mano delante y otra detrás,es decir,sola,en un momento de mi vida muy complejo.

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