Today was one of those days.
The kind where doubts, fears and insecurities cloud your thinking. When you talk to yourself poorly, telling yourself things you would never tell a friend…and yet you tell them to yourself. The most important person.
I like to keep busy. Very busy. All the time. Working, training, meeting people, going to dinner, making up plans to have something to do, anything but staying alone or still. Well, today was a national holiday so there was nothing really “to do.” I woke up late, enjoying the ‘freedom’ of not having anything to do and staying in PJ’s until late. Watched an episode of a new show im watching, cleaned the bathroom, washed some clothes, packed and re packed my stuff…and then had nothing to do. So, I went to a café to download more episodes and try to do some things I’ve been telling myself to do on the computer for a while. And so, without anything that I had to be doing, my head started beating myself up. Slowly I found myself going into a darker and darker place where doubts, insecurities and fears started rising and taking control. Tears showed themselves tentatively. As usual I tried chatting to someone, tried getting busy, or to talk, I guess it’s just too hard to talk myself down, or to just really –truly- listen to myself. Eventually I started biking home, with my heart in my throat and very aware of how I was bringing myself down, all by myself.
The sunset was beautiful. Pink sky behind a clear mountain silhouette. So, I sat on the pier, looked at it and cried. I wasn’t entirely sure why I was crying, but I let it happen. I try so hard to make everyone around me feel good, to be their shoulder, that I forget to be my own. I listened to “May the long time sun,” and sung it in my head to myself…sending that message and that wish to myself. “May the long time sun shine upon you, all love surround you, and the pure light within you, guide your way on.” I’ve sung this with other people in mind before, but never to myself and it’s such a powerful message. I kept reminding myself of that quote or message I’ve heard “talk to yourself like you would talk to your best friend” and I really wasn’t doing it at all. So, singing this to myself with love and kindness was a good thing…even with all the crying that it involved. I must have seemed like a crazy person, wearing my hoodie (its warm but hey, mosquitos), sitting on a bench, closed eyes, tears rolling down my face. But it felt relieving. I decided to try to meditate but I’m not too good at it so I just focused on repeating my own mantra of “I am strong, I am valuable, I am enough” as many times as I could.
No, my doubts and insecurities are not gone. I’m still just as lost as I felt this afternoon. It’s funny because I’ve felt this way before, many, way too many times, but I hadn’t felt it in such a long time. This fear or worry about what’s next. This hesitation. I know it’s in part because I have life changing decisions to make, because I’m endind this period here in Hong Kong soon, and starting something new somewhere else. I’m scared, and I guess its normal but I definitely didn’t miss feeling this way to be honest. But it’s part of life, it’s part of the path I choose to be on, and I think feeling this way only drives me to do those things that feel scary…to choose what seems the hardest road because a few months ago, being here in HK was the harder road and it’s been an incredible learning experience. So, I tell myself that everything works out the way it has to. And it will.
In the meantime I will try to be more loving to myself, and allow the tears that need to come out to do so, and then I’ll wipe them and keep going because the only thing that’s certain about life is that it goes on and the fear and insecurity I feel today is only a lesson in the book that I need to learn from.