Mr. P made it home…realized how incredibly angry I was and couldnt stop apologizing. Honestly, more than angry im just hurt. Not only because he didn’t keep his promise on this one night I was really looking forward to, but because it was heartbreaking to realize that my “friends” weren’t really as close as I believed them to be.
It simply re-stated the fact that “my” friends are really Mr. P’s friends, and that I’m there and know them and became friends with them because of him. It really feels like if I wasted my time in these past 4 years, instead of hanging out and spending more time with the friends I made in college I spent it with Mr. P’s friends, “my” friends, and didn’t take advantage of this other group of amazing people I lived with in school. As I mentioned here , friendship isn’t easy for me. I have been hurt before, when I was at my worst, and am very cautious about everyone since. Funny I wrote about this less than a week ago to feel a big dissapointment again. And yes, I know that they don’t even know they hurt my feelings, hell they don’t even know I’m so messed up inside, but I am…and always will be…and I simply am hurt, and I feel sad, and dissapointed in myself for getting my hopes up regarding people again. I hate feeling sad, I hate feeling vulnerable and this just makes me want to close up even more again. This experience, as silly and insignificant as it may seem, simply proved to me that I need to be on my own somewher new for a while, to really fend for myself, to really HAVE to open up and trust people, I need to step out of my comfort zone.