Living with an open heart is difficult. Feeling constantly vulnerable is hard. I don’t know if my train of thought is ‘normal’ or if I’m just a little “messed up.” I believe in saying what you feel…although it might be hard at times, and the reason why it’s so hard –for me- is because I think words have power. A big part of me wants to give up, just really close itself off and never allow anyone else’s words to have any effect on me, a part of me wishes I could simply follow my head and put a little red flag on certain comments that I know have some influence on me and then just be able to CTRL+SUPR them. But I can’t. I keep living a battle between my head and my heart, between illusions and truth, between being hopeful and being realistic.
I know these feelings all stem from my past. They come from fears of re-living experiences, they are the consequences of other people’s words and actions that have left scars in my heart and although I choose to live with these scars and bruises wide open for the world to see, I am still terrified of getting new ones. However, I take this fear and instead of allowing it to stop me, to shut me down, I embrace it…although I hate it. It sucks at times, I really wish I wasn’t like this. I wish I could stop feeling so much. I wish my mind would just give me a break, because it feels like it’s constantly playing with me and I can’t make it stop. I can feel so powerful at times, so strong and balanced, and yet sometimes a small stream of air can just make me fall…like a flower falling from a tree with the morning breeze. Even though I know I am strong enough to get back up, even though I know everything will be OK, the process is tiring and it gets harder every time, I lose that inner-peace and begin blaming myself, feeling stupid, and that makes me angry. It is a pattern I have, I guess stemed from a belief I have rooted inside of me and I know I need to change it (working on the how).
I need to learn to treat myself better, to talk to myself like I would talk to my best friend, to be empathetic and understanding with that ‘me’ that lives inside, to give her a break….So, I’m going to add a little extra words to this mantra and make it my own: “may I be loved by myself, may I be loving to myself”