I can feel how words are trying to squeeze out of my thoughts, drip down to my fingers until they find paper, a keyboard, anywhere to be set free.
I keep busy, busy, busy…and I feel that part inside of me screaming, I hear its echo bouncing off the walls of my head, I can feel the knot in my throat as I write this right now, the stream of conscious or unconscious thoughts that just appear on the screen in front of me. I don’t even know why tears are building up in my eyes. Fear? Happyness? Aren’t they a little of the same at times? Months ago I was anxious about coming here, afraid I would start feeling trapped, I visualized myself becoming a statue-still.. and slowly getting covered by nature, terrified of not being able to move again. But now I feel more like a tree, with roots starting to settle on the ground, looking for food and water.
It’s like there are two me’s…Constantly living between joy and conflict. Here I am me, outside I am also me. So which one do I follow? Do what you love they say, and I try.., I try so hard, but suddenly I’m drowning in to-do’s and lack of time, lack of sleep, lack of me. Amongst the cement jungle I feel lost, it’s like jumping into a washing machine, tumbling around, unable to make it stop. And I wonder until when? Have I learned anything? It feels at times as if that dream, that goal, peeks out behind stormy clouds, but the sun shines so strong I can’t see it clearly, and then it hides again…The clouds, the storm, the brightness of the light, the musts, the cant’s, the have-to, they build up and suffocate me. Is it money? Is it not being able to live the life I want? Is it traffic? Responsibility? Is it the fear of facing a reality I don’t want to be a part of? It hurts to be here, and it also feels so right at times. How I wish I could split myself in two, live in two dimensions, fulfill so many dreams that don’t fit here or there at the same time.