Unfinished thoughts

With just a week away from it being 7 years since you left I take a moment to think…would you be proud of me? Sure, I also wonder what it would be like if you were around, what I would be doing if your sudden death hadn’t turned our worlds upside down, what career you would have gotten into and if I liked the girl you were dating. So besides all that, would you be proud of being my little brother? I’d like to think so. I feel you next to me as I ask myself this question, arms around my shoulder with that crooked grin and mischievous twinkle in your eye looking down on me (because yes, you are now taller than me) saying something like “naahhh” in a very sarcastic tone.
The truth is you parting defined who I am today. I am probably not as independent as I wish I were, as my path was setting me out to be seven years ago. You parting made me worry, it made me worry about mom and dad, it made me worry about dying and making them live through that again. So I stuck closer, I inadvertently tried juggling through the holidays and birthdays and I looked strong doing it.  Slowly, I began to crumble until five years later had my breaking point and decided to turn things around. You would have been proud.
Now, two years later it might seem like im lingering through life and I admit I worry a lot at times to feel that im “wasting my time”. But I’m not sure if its really an internal worry of part of the pressure society puts on what success is and what we “should” be doing with our lives. I am slowly coming to terms that I have a different perspective on success and the things I am willing to do to get there and what matters the most, I am beginning to feel OK with that. No, I will not work doing something that makes me miserable – ever. I have learned life is too short to be miserable and although not everyday is going to be great and filled with success and happiness you have to make the best of it and wake up with the right attitude….

To be continued…at some point

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